Life on a Road

          It was nighttime. The city was alive and filled with neon lights that shined from storefronts, skyscrapers, and clubs. There was music and the laughter of people dining together in the restaurants and small cafes that lined the downtown area of Amsterdam. But it all meant nothing to Anna. She could not hear the music nor see the pretty lights. All she saw was the road. She zigzagged throughout the streets of Amsterdam, avoiding the roads that lead to the waterfronts where people dined on boats happy and content. Anna hated those people because they knew what happiness was and she did not. She hated those people because they were loved and cared for by someone and she never was. Anna hated those people because even though they suffered pain and struggled, they were never alone but Anna always was.

          “Hey watch it!” exclaimed a pedestrian who was nearly nicked by Anna’s motorcycle as she streamed past him. He doesn’t matter, thought Anna. You don’t matter, her conscience thought back and instantly Anna was reeled back to a French colonial in Vancouver.

          “Hurry up Anneth or you’ll be late!” yelled Dorothy their housekeeper.

          “I don’t know why she bothers trying. She looks like a dork no matter what she wears”, said her sister Hayley.

          “Or a butt faced foot”, exclaimed Hayley’s friend and the two girls laughed hysterically.

          Anna walked down the stairwell. It was the first time in a long time that she felt good about herself. It was earth day, the only day of the year that mattered and it was all because of him. Andy, the beautiful cancer patient she saw every week while volunteering at the hospital. He loved the earth and always smiled his dimpled smile whenever he spoke about ways to help the environment and make the world a better place for everyone. He was the only one who did not laugh at Anna and call her out of her name. The only one who did not bully her and call her a slut simply because she decided to look pretty one day. He was the only one, until he wasn’t.

          A tear streaked down her face as her mind reeled back to the present. It’s all your fault, her conscience snarled. Your lips are poison and your body is nothing more than an infectious gangrene that never goes away. You made him leave; murderer of all hopes and dreams.

          “SHUT UP!!!” screamed Anna and she barreled down the streets faster. But it was too late, she was already gone.

          “You’re not dumb, ok. They love you.”

          “No they don’t. You don't see the way they look at me. It’s like I don’t belong to them, like I don’t matter.”

          “Shut up ok, because you do matter.”

          “No I don’t!!! They don’t love me. No one does.”

          “That’s not true. I love you.”

          “You love everyone.”

          “No. I don’t love everyone. At least not the way I love you.”

          “You can’t love me. I can’t be loved.”

          “That is not true!! You’re beautiful and you're special and everyone can see it but you. Who cares what they think? They don’t matter. You matter, and you matter to me.”

          She had said goodbye to him, hoping to see him the next day. Except there was no next day, at least not for him. When she returned to the hospital his room was empty. New bedspread covered the bed and already a new patient was being wheeled into his room. She had never cried as hard as she did that day. Andy with the beautiful blue eyes and dimpled smile was once her best friend, her only friend and now would never be anything again.

          He loved you and all you did was whine like a dog with its tail between its legs. You didn’t deserve him. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?!” She screamed and drove faster and faster until she was no longer driving, but floating into her own subconscious, staring at her life. Her mother with that jealous scowl, her step-father with his lustrous gaze, her sister with her benevolent eyes and all the girls and boys at school. They spray-painted her locker and mocked and teased her for just being Anna. She remembered Andy and the bathroom stall she sat in alone during lunch. She heard laughter, screaming, and crying until she heard nothing at all.  The light faded and she realized that she was still on her bike barreling towards a man walking in the middle of the street. She stopped. He turned towards her and looked at her as if he knew who she was, because he did. She got up from her bike and removed her helmet. She knew she’d never forget. He embraced her and when she looked up into his beautiful blue eyes, she knew it was over. "I love you too." she whispered. and he kissed her. She was finally free.